Here is an excerpt of a coaching session that I did with a client recently around his self-criticism:
Growing up with a parent who was critical has created a 'not good enough' energy that lurks inside of you and rears its ugly head sometimes. You reported to me that it's oftentimes that you berate yourself for past failures/missteps and things that don't turn out to your standards. You are your own judge and jury. The voice of self-criticism is strong within you, probably because you heard it so much growing up. You are even seeing it in how you parent, or how you get triggered by your spouse sometimes.
The 'not good enough' button gets pushed by many situations, most notably your boss being critical of your performance. So, here is your boss, frustrated and condescending and that sends you into a spiral of trigger, defense and offense. The recent conflict you both had is evidence of this. Now you are a grown man, and not a little boy who couldn't protect himself, so you can fight back, even if that means storming out. Really what the situation is, is a mirror for your self-inflicted not good enough story and identity.
I did a brief, but powerful exercise with you. I had you look around and notice real things like my shirt color, the ticking of the clock and the hard table. Being here now is important because we are always in the moment. Then I had you try on and say out loud "I'm not good enough," several times. By the end you began to feel it more strongly than just a mental exercise. This is because this energy is lodged into the mental AND emotional parts of you, practiced and honed for years, over and over again. What we are trying to do is to dismantle its power and grip over you, so you can be more free to be, well, you.
Another trigger you experienced was your spouse is condescending to your kids. She gets triggered when she isn’t listened to and reacts with anger and critical words. This caused you to react and go into the next room to cool down. Remember(!!), your trigger is your trigger. You wanted to lash out. Funny thing is though that she is purveying the same behavior that you purvey to your kids at times, so she is a mirror for you. I'm not saying that condescending behavior is ok, but that fact that you had an emotional reaction to it shows that it pushed your button of self-criticism and not being good enough. It's interesting too that you said that it stems to when you were 5 or so. When we are kids, we are programmed by the people around us, who have their good and bad qualities. You know your dad loved you, but he was also hard at times.
It's easy to fall into perfection and try to prove yourself when motivated by feeling not good enough. If the project or whatever is perfect, then you will feel good and get the people around you to think and acknowledge that you you’re good. But that's a paltry win. We really win when we do our best and don't give two shits about what people think about it. Great if they like it, and great if they have feedback for us to get better next time. It's all a win in that operating system. I don't need to prove myself anymore because I know I'm not good enough, or at least I think that at times. And it’s true that I’m not the best coach out there, there are certainly more experienced and more successful coaches in the world. But I am also good enough, excellent sometimes. I told you about the anxiety I felt before a bank meeting 6 years ago. I was in my head. I was worried about looking like a fool, making a mistake, and feeling dumb. This was my negative self-identity creeping in (which is here to stay I'm sad to say). I caught it though and turned it around by pretty much saying to myself that I wanted to do the meeting, was prepared, and I was going to do my best and not think about the outcome. If the outcome was good, good! If not, then I learn. It doesn't have to be about my identity.
Wow, that's it for now. Just be mindful and gentle with yourself around this energy. This strong energy may amp up a little bit as you reconcile it. It will get better, trust me, but it won't go away. Gotta figure out how to bridle this beast.